5 Books Every Couple Should Read
I have an embarrassing confession to make; I’m not a great reader. It’s one of my perpetual New Years’ resolutions to read more. So of course, I get asked all the time by my clients and friends, “What is the best book for me to read to help me with my marriage or dating relationship?" Over the course of my career I have come across several books that have informed my work and my thinking so much so that I re-read them often! Although there are a million great resources out there, these are my personal favorite books for couples.
(1) “The 5 Love Languages – The Secret to Love That Lasts” by Gary Chapman
To be honest, I used to be embarrassed telling my couples about The 5 Love Languages book. After all, I once heard one of the “Real Housewives” talk about it! It seemed kind of pop-psychology and gimmicky to me. Boy, was I wrong! I’ve found this book extremely helpful whether it’s within the context of marriage therapy, premarital counseling, chatting with friends, and even in my own marriage. While there are many ways to feel loved by our partner, I truly believe we all have that one Love Language that “fills up our tank.” When couples learn what that means for their partner and are willing and able to demonstrate it for them, amazing things happen within the relationship. Similarly, when a partner discovers what their own love language is, they can ask for more of it in an assertive and positive way!
(2) The next good read I suggest is “Getting the Love You Want – A Guide for Couples” by Harville Hendrix, Ph.D.
This book, which features Hendrix's Imago Therapy, has been invaluable to me. The concepts have helped me guide couples to discover how their “unfinished business” from their own family of origin is impacting the relationship today. What are the familiar things we seek in our partner and what are we trying to overcome from our past alongside our partner? It’s a little conceptual, but I’ve found most people can gain something extremely useful from Hendrix’s works.
(3) My next go-to recommendation for couples is “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” by John Gottman and Nan Silver.
Easy to read and understand, this book is filled with exercises for couples to work on together. He uses colorful metaphors (check out the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse) to help people remember the do’s and don’ts for marriage. Most importantly, his work is backed by extensive research with couples. I enjoy his no-nonsense approach to making it work!
(4) “The New Rules of Marriage – What You Need to Know to Make Love Work” by Terrence Real
In this book, Real theorizes that the old rules of behavior simply do not work in the modern marriage. While we crave more emotional intimacy, we are not sure how to achieve it. Real’s “New Rules” are practical as well as conceptual, so they can work for both the concrete-thinker in the relationship as well as the more feelings-oriented one. Best of all, he offers a strategy to help couples get less of the bad stuff, and more of the good!
(5) Prepare-Enrich
My final go-to for couples is actually not a book. Rather, it is an exercise for couples to complete together called the Prepare-Enrich. I’ve employed this analysis with many couples over the years, both married and premarital. It is a wonderful tool for several reasons. First, it’s well-researched and validated across the world! Second, you don’t feel tricked when you are answering the questions because it’s very straight-forward. Finally, couples are compared to one-another in terms of their strengths and growth opportunities. At a glance of the results, a couple can see the strengths of their relationship as well as where they may need some work. This knowledge is invaluable as it gives us a road-map of where to spend time in therapy sessions.
I truly believe these resources can help you both improve and prepare for marriage. An added benefit is they can help you advise friends and loved-ones who may be struggling, or looking for tools themselves. Happy Reading!